FAT ROCK BREWING COMPANY

Employment Opportunities for December 2006

(Mr. Paul Voigt, Director of Public Relations, hard at work in his office reviewing an employment application)

BREW KILL FLOOR TECHNICIAN

Closing Date: Open until filled.

Duties:

Monitors brew room floor for dirt, dog hair, urine, fecal matter, dog food, fungible fluid, spilled wort, grains, peanut shells, boogers, etc. and ensures that the floor is free of similar contaminants; sanitizes brewing supplies; operates squeegee and state of the art millennium mop and bucket; provides testimony for company in court on a regular basis (w/o pay); runs errands for Public Relations Specialist (e.g., to 7-11, XXX video store, comic book store, Bed Bath & Beyond, etc.). Performs various other duties immediately and without question upon command.

Minimum Qualifications: 

Must have 3rd grade education or at least be able to recite the alphabet with 5 mistakes or less. You must understand simple instructions (e.g. lift, pour, move, run, you’re fired, shut up). Must have the ability to stoop and bend for most of your shifts. You must provide your own transportation for special duty assignments like the above-listed examples and must not have more than 10 DUI convictions and 5 cases of sodomy. You must also be able to refrain from making slanderous/libelous accusations about company while in court. You must not be legally retarded and at least be smarter than a fish.

Compensation:

Starting pay is $4.19 hourly. One cent raises are given automatically after your 300th Public Relations Specialist errand. Benefits include: Drinking with your bosses, no vacation, and no medical…no pension/401K….no hope….Fat Rock is an unequal opportunity employer. Labor laws do not apply at this time. Don’t miss this opportunity!!!!If interested, contact Fat Rock Brewing Company Human Resources VIA email at fatrockbrewing@cox.net

MANAGER - SECURITY

Closing Date:  *POSITION HAS BEEN FILLED*

Duties:

Solely responsible for the safety and security of the Fat Rock Brewing Company and its employees.  Monitors world events (especially happenings in China) in an effort to identify external threats to the art & science of brewing.  Hunts down individuals who verbally or physically threaten the Fat Rock brewing staff and, with the assistance of undereducated, pot-smoking high school drop-outs, administers excessive amounts of torture and beatings to these individuals (especially with the utilization of a blowtorch and a pair of tweezers).  Responsible for keeping crowds of angry, torch-carrying citizens from swarming the brewery.  Informs individuals who threaten the security of the Fat Rock Brewing Company that they do not have a prayer. In addition, like most employees at Fat Rock, must provide testimony for company in court on a regular basis.

Minimum Qualifications: 

Must have a Masters of Arts or Science from an accredited African American college or university. You must have a clear understanding of global events and issues. Previous studies in Chinese history, government, and military tactics are a plus. Must be able to fluently speak Chinese. You must provide your own 9mm handgun for security purposes.  You must not be legally retarded, but may teach legally retarded persons.

Compensation:

This is a salaried position. Salary is negotiable upon experience and IQ score (typically $75 per point). Benefits include: Drinking with your bosses, no vacation, no medical, no pension/401K….no hope….Fat Rock is an unequal opportunity employer. Labor laws do not apply at this time. Don’t miss this opportunity!!!! If interested, contact Fat Rock Brewing Company Human Resources VIA email at fatrockbrewing@cox.net .

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