When you are in Williamsburg,
Virginia, you cannot help but to be overtaken by it’s rich, voluminous
testimony to the evolution of our great country. Each year millions of tourists make a pilgrimage from all
over the world to visit Williamsburg’s well-preserved historical attractions
and to enjoy its warm, laid back atmosphere.
A major point of interest for most is Colonial Williamsburg; it is the
world’s largest outdoor museum-- where one may observe and be
anachronistically cast into the mundane life of the colonist.
It is little wonder why those Americans who visit Williamsburg feel a
great sense of national pride and appreciation for the struggles and
tribulations endured since our country’s humble beginning.
But the local denizens of
Williamsburg—who are noted for their polite and affable nature--have now found
themselves in the midst of a new struggle, which they call
“Operation Common Filth.” Yes, it has been a strange twist of fate
for the good, God-fearing citizens of Williamsburg.
Local magistrate, Sally Simon says, “Every community goes through a
period—some more than others—when crass, pestiferous people try to diminish
other’s quality of life. Our community has unluckily been infected with
this…malady... this…rancid…disgusting …unspeakable ... filth known locally (so far as we know) as Fat Rock Brewing Company!!”
Many locals are not aware that
the terror has been in town and brewing for the past 7 years.
Many are asking how these rotten and despicable renegades at Fat Rock
have gone unscathed for so long a time; few dare to suggest how any of this
could have been obviated. Fat Rock
Brewing’s long time correspondent and Public Relations Specialist, Paul
Michael Voigt, was quoted in a recent response to his contribution on the
phenomena as saying, “Well, we are like a bunch of gooks, right…tip-toeing
around the jungle, right…and we will sneak around until the time is right to
spoil the MRE you thought you were ready to eat ... but you couldn’t because
we slammed your ass on the fu#!%*ng concrete [jungle?] and stuck our mighty
whitey c#$*%$@ down their Elton John Eskimo Pie eatin’ asses!! Ok, girl..”
Much to the chagrin of many, translation was unavailable at all
junctures.
The Fat Rock Brewing compound is
snuggled up in a quiet middle class neighborhood just across from the York
County line, but neighbors warn that things aren’t as they may appear.
Next-door neighbor, Leroy Wilson, says
“truth is stranger than fishing…sometimes you got to either fish or
cut bait, you know?” When asked
to elaborate, Mr. Wilson declined for fear of cold, scaling revenge.
Stephanie Dykes-- who lives
directly behind the Fat Rockers—boldly asserts “I knew something wasn’t
right the first day I moved here when I saw a bald, naked man sashaying around
with a bucket of something brown and smelly [spent grains and contaminants]
shouting, “sweet lord jesus…you ..[expletives] are gonna burn in hell, you
[expletive]-faced [expletive] masters!” as my neighbor and his partner [Fat
Rock’s operating officers] shot at him with bottle rockets, Saturn missiles,
potato bazookas, and a variety of homegrown contraband!
It has really changed life in this city.
I’m afraid to leave my house sometimes! I can hear agonizing screams
from within their brewery at all hours of the night! It’s just not right!!”
Why couldn’t they be headquartered somewhere in California where all
the other freaks are? Why!???”
Tourists and citizens alike have
made anonymous reports of sexual harassment/solicitation, physical/verbal
assaults, and public displays of lewd and licentious behavior.
“We have no hard evidence, because these guys are so elusive,” says
Williamsburg Police Chief Joseph French. “But
I will say that these scalawags have gained the attention of federal
investigators. So, I suspect that their little charade will cease to be within
the near term.” Paul Michael Voigt’s retort to the police chief’s
comment: “Think so, huh…Mr. Funnyman…f*$in’ doubtful f*$er!!”
Some locals have likened Fat
Rock Brewing Company to the Taliban regime, because of their radical ontological
philosophies on life and their unabashed and unapologetic, tyrannical treatment
of not only the general public but also towards their employees as well.
For instance, it is believed that a Fat Rock employee does not have the
protection of federal labor laws, receives interim to routine beatings for poor
work performance, earns substandard under-the-table wages, works in
environmentally deleterious and unsanitary conditions, and the only benefit the
employee is said to receive is being able to drink with their bosses.
And all the while, the oligarchic upper echelon (that is, Keith Wright
and Cliff Hultquist) seems to gloat in these depravities.
The Fat Rock Brewing Company has
certainly been an unwitting and unwelcome surprise in Williamsburg; and they
have serendipitously earned the undisputed title of “The Bad Boys of Brewing.”
Sources say that the hack company shows no signs of atrophy or surrender.
In fact, Fat Rock has threatened to open a satellite brewery in the
Richmond area. Citizens in Richmond
are on high alert.
The war on filth some say will
be a test of collective will and tolerance.
The community of Williamsburg, having been taken for a ride to the limits
of its communal safety and sanity, has yet been resolute in making a concerted
effort to curb the lawlessness and reckless abandonment of the “Fat Rock
Machine.”